Nobody Stands Alone

Building Authentic Friendships– Jesus style!
Part 1 Sunday September 25, 2005

Years ago, when I was a new Prosecutor freshly assigned to juvenile court, I started working with kids who were really disturbed—I mean really, really disturbed. This was before all the shootings at schools, but I remember one kid who was only thirteen caught waving a stick of dynamite on the playground, yelling and threatening other kids… I dealt with kids who were involved in some very sick and destructive activities…and as I began to read the probation reports I discovered a pattern emerging: They were loners. They didn’t have any friends. No meaningful relationships.

Let me fast forward to yesterday, at a wedding I celebrated. Mike Dunlap’s 10 year old brother was serving as a ring bearer, and there we were in the library, all Mike’s groomsman standing around getting ready to pray for him, with Zach on the outside, and they opened the circle, and grabbed his hand, and pulled him in as we all prayed together for Mike. And Zach was beaming when we were done… Because he was part of a community of friends who welcomed him in!

If you know much about life and relationships, or better yet, if you know much about theology, you would know that friendship issues are huge in the overall scheme of things — huge for you, huge for me, huge for our world, huge for God. There are not many issues God is more concerned about than the condition of our relational world, especially moving people from aloneness into rich, caring, Christ-honoring community — from standing alone, to standing together. If you ask yourself the question,

How does God feel about loneliness– and friendship?

You’ll find the Bible full of God’s words about relationships, and friendship issues:

“The LORD God said ‘It is not good for man to be alone…” Gen. 2:18 NIV

So he created Eve for Adam, and Adam for Eve, and told them to love and serve each another. Now, because God created human beings to function best in the context of a loving relationship, the Bible is full of warnings regarding the dangers of isolation. It’s also full of exhortations for people to take responsibility for moving toward the formation of strong friendships.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 is a classic text in this regard.

“Pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” Eccles. 4:10b NIV

Let me put it in even more modern day language. The Bible says, "Don’t stand alone. Someday trouble or heartbreak is going to come your way. In your hour of greatest need, you’ll be so glad that you have a friend or two, and that you didn’t have to bear the trial or the tragedy all by yourself."

From cover to cover, there are exhortations for people to leave their isolation and move toward community — for all kinds of reasons. And there are sobering warnings in the Bible about the dangers of doing life alone. Several Proverbs remind us that the quality of our decision making depends on the quality of people we bring into the process:

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22 NIV

Woe to the person who stands alone and tries to make vocational, financial, relational decisions on their own. They just stand exposed to their own blind spots. Their individual wisdom cannot possibly compete with the collective wisdom of a high-quality team. The Bible goes on. "Woe to the one who stands alone — they’re going to have to find their way through this difficult life without the encouragement of other people; without the affirmation of other people; without the creative ideas of others; without the prayers of others; without the accountability; without the spiritual stimulation of others."

And at the same time, the Bible affirms the need we have for true friends who will come alongside, share the burdens of the day, and walk with us through good times and bad! That’s what true friends are all about—that’s what your God given friends were made for:

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17 NIV

So the question that we need to ask this morning is, "How does a person who is currently standing alone move from that condition to one of standing together?

Many of us here can celebrate the fact that we aren’t standing alone anymore—we’ve found some friends here at SRC and we’re experiencing close, growing relationships in our small group. And if you’re in that place, celebrate! Give thanks to God! But I know that there are a lot of us who are still standing back, and still standing alone for a variety of reasons. We’ve never moved into a little community where we can share our lives with others. And some of us are between groups right now—at one time we were closely connected with some folks, and for whatever reason that’s not the case now…

Over the next couple of weeks I want to share a picture of what life could be like if you were living it the way God designed it. God created you and me to live in relationship with each other, and in communities where our mutual caring is deep, and real, and enduring. So this morning I want to begin by sharing from the Bible some painstakingly practical wisdom on how to move from isolation into relationship. What does it mean to be in a really God honoring firiendship or relationaship? Well let me begin by describing What friendship is not…

Not trying to get someone else to take care of you: If you want to derail the possibility of genuine friendship, go into it with the expectation that there is someone out there waiting to nurture you, fawn all over you, develop you spiritually, envelop you with round-the-clock care, and listen endlessly to all your troubles. If that’s the honest expectation you have dear ones, it’s NOT good! It will wreck every attempt you make to form and build and sustain genuine friendships because Genuine friendships are a two-way street, and not a cul-de-sac for your personal gratification.

Not latching on to someone who has a life because you haven’t gotten around to building a life for yourself!

Not using and discarding others: It’s not about hitching your life to someone else’s rising star so that you can advance yourself professionally or academically, financially or politically—and then move on when the next star comes around. That’s the game we play here in Washington DC area, and it’s shameless in its shallowness. Friendship is NOT pretending to care about somebody so that they’ll join your cause or buy your product…

We need to have a right idea about the true nature of friendship if we’re ever going to hope to build relationships that are deep and real and life-changing. And fortunately, the Bible describes What true friendship is… from cover to cover! But let’s take a moment to zero in on just one passage, the one we read from Philippians about how Jesus models true friendship for us… and in that passage alone you and I begin to see the contours of genuine, life-changing friendships. In summary form, this passage shows us that friendship is a commitment to genuinely seek the well-being of the other person! It’s

Humility in seeking and serving others

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Phil. 2:3-4 NIV

True friendship is OTHER FOCUSED… it’s not about you alone!

True friendship, Jesus style, is even more! It’s about Risk-taking

“Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied himself..” Phil. 2:5-7a RSV

Jesus didn’t assert his own rights and hang on to all his prerogatives for dear life. The Bible says HE LET GO..HE RELAXED HIS GRIP...HE GAVE HIMSELF AWAY. And in doing that Jesus modeled for you and me that true friendship is resisting the urge to be independent and self-preoccupied or narcissistic. It’s surrendering to the way God wired you and me from creation—to live in loving, openhearted ways with a few people!

You see, we’ll never get to the joy of true friendship until we take the kind of risk Jesus modeled. In another place and time, Jesus said, “Give, and will be given to you…Serve, and in due time others will serve back. Open yourself up, and in due time others will open up to you.” It will come back to you if you make the first move!

That’s a totally radical, counter-cultural thing to say isn’t it! Because in our culture it’s all about “What’s in it for me? What can I get FIRST? Where can I go to get fixed and helped and served?” The Bible says you’ll never get to true friendship if you approach it that way—period. You and I have got to get it straight from the get-go—straight from the heart of God who wired us up to have meaningful friendships, straight from the Bible that describes how you and I can experience life-changing friendships , and straight from the life of Jesus who modeled true friendship. And that brings us to another quality of friendship that Jesus modeled.-- Sacrifice

“And being found in appearance as a man, [Jesus] humbled himself and became obedient to death– even death on a cross.” Phil. 2:8 NIV

Jesus shows us that real friendship is freely sacrificing your own agenda for the sheer pleasure of meeting a need or bringing a smile to the person you’re befriending! It’s the consistent effort to help the person you’re befriending reach their FULLEST POTENTIAL spiritually, relationally and vocationally [illustration of Mike W. as Santa Claus at Chantilly HS spectacular to paraplegic…]

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the Bible has incredible, practical wisdom on how to build authentic friendships. And the Bible points us to Jesus Christ—as God in the flesh, to show us how you and I can appropriate that wisdom, and experience the kind of life-changing relationships God created us for! And to do that, we’ve got to

Build authentic friendships as Jesus did… so let me close with three ways you can begin, right from the life of Jesus:

Make the effort!

“Now he had to go through Samaria…and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour.” John 4:4, 6 NIV

In reality: Jesus DIDN”T have to go through Samaria—the regular way was AROUND Samaria. But he made the effort because he knew he had a divine appointment to make a life-changing friendship with a woman who need to know God! And even though he was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted from the journey and all the things he had been doing, he picked a place where he was likeliest to find that woman in the heat of the noon day sun.

Friendship is an arduous process. It begins awkwardly—just like it did in this story. You know what this is like. You’re in a social setting, you’re standing at the sidelines of a soccer game, you’re at a church function, whatever. You dabble in some surface conversation. You process hundreds of verbal and non-verbal pieces of data that’s going on while you’re pretending to be interested in what they’re saying.

The whole time you’re wondering in the back of your mind, "Could this be a person with whom I could become deeply connected someday?" "Would I want to?" "Would this person want to?" "Would a friendship with this person work?" "Would it fizzle out?" "Is it worth a try?"

You’re doing a whole cost-benefit analysis while you’re going through this conversation thing. You’re asking if you think it might be worth the risk. You say, "I wonder what would happen next? What would I need to do next?" because this phase of friendship building is so awkward and uncomfortable and sometimes painful and disappointing. Tons of people refuse to engage in it after a time. They sit home, night after night, and complaining to themselves, "I’m lonely. I’m not connected. I don’t have close friends." Or sometimes people take the other approach and they just exhaust themselves in superficial relationships that don’t really satisfy.

We don’t just drift into great friendships dear ones! Friendship building requires an internal ‘want to’ factor that’s strong enough to sustain us through the awkward early stages of starts and false starts that are just part of the friendship building process. In relationship formation there has to be enough “want to” to push through the hurts and disappointments when it doesn’t work out right. You’ve got to just keep reaching out and risking and trying until someday you sense that you’re making progress—that you’re making some connections with people!. You’re understanding and accepting them, and they’re understanding and accepting you. So if you’re clear about what true friendship really is, and if like Jesus you have enough “want to” to propel you into motion, let me suggest the next thing he did:

Take a risk!

“When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” John 4:7 NIV

That was a huge thing Jesus did! He just hurdled the barriers of race, and gender, and religion, and social protocol to make a connection with this woman—and if you go on in the story, you’ll find that she was so stunned she stopped dead in her tracks and starting engaging with Jesus!

But we need to learn from Jesus how to take the RIGHT kind of risk! Many of us take risks in places where the payoff is likely to be pretty shallow. Like trying to make a connection in a bar that’s way overcrowded, with blaring music and multiple blaring TV sets on a Friday or Saturday night, with people who are drinking themselves into a stupor. Think about it—is this the kind of place you’re likely to find relationships that are deep—or superficial? Will you find relationships that are caring and giving—or self-absorbed?

I think that’s why Jesus didn’t go to a place like that to find this woman, though she might have been in such a place. He chose a place where he could interact with her one-on-one without distractions from others. You know, the Bible speaks often about relationships as having the quality of silver and gold—and that’s a picture that suggests a little excavating—a little digging and a little sweat. That’s exactly what Jesus was doing—and he modeled for you and me the kind of digging, and excavating, and effort we need to pay up front to get to the treasure of real, caring, life-changing relationships—and not hook-ups.

Many of us here today are devoted to this church because in addition to discovering Jesus Christ here, building our faith and growing spiritually, many of us are finding and developing our most significant relationships. We’ve learned, with Jesus help, how to take the right kind of risks: where to hang out and form the relationships that will be like silver and gold for the rest of our lives! How to stumble our way through the awkward phases of friendship development, and with Jesus’ help, and others, discovering new friends whose care has touched us to the core as we share a common faith, common values, and a common purpose.

Last night I was at a really GREAT party—the wedding reception for Naomi and Mike Dunlap! A lot of you were there—I saw you on the dance floor! I saw you interacting with each other—and reaching out to folks you didn’t know. And as I watched the people of this church I was so IMPRESSED by the way people have grown to love and care for each other… I was so impressed by the way our youth hung out together and welcomed in some of the younger kids and had fun TOGETHER…And I was reminded again how THANKFUL I am to be part of a community that is taking Jesus’ commands seriously—wherever they are—here in a gym, at the Four Seasons Hotel, or in your neighborhoods, beginning to extend yourselves and take a risk and reach out to others in friendship—just like Jesus would! And I’m thankful to be part of a community of Christ-following friends who have extended your love to me and my family, and allowed me the space to discover and exercise my calling and gifts!

And what I want to say to you is—KEEP TAKING THE RISK TO BUILD AUTHENTIC FRIENDSHIPS WITH JESUS AT YOUR SIDE! Keep extending your hand to newcomers and each other. Invite someone over to your home; make a Starbucks appointment for a cup of coffee and those first steps of friendship building. Join a small group—and invite someone new! Get to know people, shoulder to shoulder, in setting up and taking down the chairs, or in some other service opportunity.

One last thing I want to mention about how to form significant relationships. And this comes from the same incident where Jesus was building a friendship with the Samaritan woman. All of us have a hope that we’re going to be able to move beyond the level of superficiality in our relational world…and at the same time we all recognize that all new relationships start at a safe and shallow level. That’s just the way it is.

But most of us now how empty it is to sit somewhere and hear superficial babble about the weather, sports, politics, the stock market and so on for hour upon hour. At some point you just feel an emptiness in your spirit that cries out, “There must be more!”

THERE IS! But to get there you and I need to do what Jesus did:

Ask significant questions

Jesus said, “Will you give me a drink?”

You see, Jesus is testing the relational waters! He’s seeing if there’s any openness on the part of this woman for friendship. She gives him some water and then she takes a risk—she asks him a question. She says “Why would you, a Jewish man, ask me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink? What’s going on here?” And then Jesus ups the ante a bit:

Jesus said, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you eternal life.” John 4:7, 10 NIV

And you know, there’s a lot more questions Jesus is implying to this woman: “Have you ever considered that there might be something more you need? Do you know where to get it? Would you like me to help you find it?”

And the asking of significant questions, by each of them, opened the door for a conversation that was life-changing! Pretty soon they were talking about spiritual issues and moral issues, marital issues and eternal issues. It changed the whole course of that woman’s life. Do you know what I’ve found that has changed the course of my relational life—that has moved my relationships from the superficial to the kind of deep, heart-to-heart relating that I’ve enjoyed with true friends? It’s the asking of a significant question! Nothing professional or academic. But when I ask people how they’re doing and they say “fine”, I’ll sometimes take it a step further and say “Well how are you doing REALLY… Because if you’d like to tell me I’m ready to listen… or maybe I’ll take it a step further: “How are you REALLY, REALLY doing in your marriage..your work.. the sick loved one you’re caring for…the children you’re trying to raise…” or here’s another question I sometimes ask: “How are you feeling… about that account you just lost, the heartbreak in your family life… the frustration you’re experiencing at work.” Someone says, “My boss yelled at me” and it’s so easy to say “Rage happens—so who are the Skins playing this weekend” Wait, stop a minute! “You’re boss yelled at you? How did that make you feel?” And when we ask those questions, we open doors to relating with each other about the stuff that’s really important.

That’s what happens when Christ-following friends relate to each other as Jesus would—and this morning I wanted to invite Allison Nisbet to share what that really looks like:

I don’t know if you’ve experienced the kind of relational caring that Allison has just shared. I don’t know if you’ve experienced the kind of tender moment of self-disclosure that she shared with her group, and the friendships in Christ that developed from that. I have. And when I have experienced moments like this—at home, in church, in ministry and on the mission field, these are the moments something inside of me says “I was made for this!!! I’m NOT ALONE! This is the best! This is what God created me for!” and all the material stuff, the drivenness, the achievement stuff, the work stuff—all of that fades into the background.

God doesn’t want you to stand alone dear one! He wants you to stand with him—and he’s given someone to stand with you—JESUS CHRIST, YOUR FRIEND, AND YOUR SAVIOR, WHO WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. You can begin to discover true friendship with Jesus Christ… and God wants to give you more! He wants to give you a community of Christ-following friends who will love you, and who will help you love—just as Jesus would. So hang out with us over the next few weeks—and discover the friendships God created you for!