A Formula for Friendship

Building Authentic Friendships– Jesus style!
Part 2 Sunday Oct 2, 2005

We all have a varied relational mix. We all have different levels of interaction with other people, and that's good. That's healthy and that's fine. But we all need friends…and that’s why we’re here today
Even Jesus needed friends… Let’s read this together
“Jesus withdrew with his disciples to the lake, and a large crowd from Galilee followed…[So] Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. He appointed twelve, that they might be with him… These are the twelve he appointed: Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter); James son of Zebedee and his brother John (to them he gave the name Boanerges, which means Sons of Thunder); Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Thaddeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him.” Mark 3:7, 13-18

Do you notice some things about how Jesus formed friendships? Jesus had ongoing contact with a large crowd of followers, but he built closer friendships with the twelve disciples. Then of those twelve disciples, he developed even a richer relationship with Peter and James and John. Then even in that small core, Jesus was closer to John than he was to the other two.
You see, even Jesus needed that inner sphere of close relationships in order to be healthy. Unfortunately, today we live in a society that actually works against the formation of close friendships in several ways.
For instance, a lot of us don't even stay put long enough to develop close friends. See, the average worker in America today is only keeping his job for 3.6 years, and the average American during their lifetime moves 14 times. In fact, if your neighborhood is a typical neighborhood, over the course of the next ten years, half your neighbors are going to move away and be replaced by new people.
Another barrier we perceive is the lack of time. When you think about your to-do list that's going to be on your desk tomorrow morning, I mean, do you really have time to add another thing to that to-do list -- build rich relationships?
Then there are some popular attitudes in society these days that work against intimate friendships. For instance, we're encouraged to do our own thing, to think for ourselves, to watch out for number one, to exploit others before they have a chance to take advantage of us, to be vigilant in protecting our own self-interests -- because only the strong survive.
Men, in particular, fight an uphill battle relationally, because we were brought up with attitudes that run against the tendency to develop close friendships. Our role models growing up were John Wayne and the Marlboro Man—solitary and strong, independent and self-sufficient problem solvers. We were taught that when you ask for help that’s a sign of weakness—so don’t do that. Conceal the deepest longings you have, because competitors might use that against you.
It is no wonder that after a decade of doing research on the topic of male friendships, one of the leading experts in this country on that topic, a professor at Yale University by the name of Daniel Levinson said that what he found is that men rarely develop close friendships with other people. Rarely -- that was the term he used. It rarely happens.
As we’re going to see, all those kinds of attitudes poison the biblical recipe for forming relationships that are rich and rewarding. So for all of you, and especially for the men this morning, I want to challenge you to focus in on
Four Biblical ingredients for rich relationships; not casual acquaintances, NOT convenient companions. We’re talking about confidants, CLOSE confidants. And the four Biblical ingredients for rich relationships are
Affinity
Acceptance
Authenticity
Assistance

First Ingredient: Affinity

Affinity is actually a scientific term from chemistry that describes how atoms of different elements come together and bond very closely. The basic idea behind it is attraction. Basically, affinity means you like the other person and feel comfortable around them.
The Old Testament book of 1 Samuel tells us about the first time that a low-status shepherd by the name of David met the son of the king, a man named Jonathan. It's very clear from reading the text, the first time they met they just plain liked each other. They hit it off—let’s read this together:

“And it came to pass that when he had made and end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David…” I Samuel 18:1 KJV

That’s the beginning of affinity—but there’s more. Usually there’s a common gound we share—an activity of some sort like golf, or watching football, or maybe we share a commitment to an organization like the PTA, or maybe our children are in the same dance class here in SR or on the same soccer team. Our conversation revolves around the task at hand, or the commitment we share, or our children. It’s good, it’s safe—and it’s pretty surface. You will probably have HUNDREDS, if not thousands, of these kinds of relationships in a lifetime.
You know, this kind of relationship is fine, but the problem with it is, it won't stand up to a lot of stress.
The Bible says in Proverbs 18:24: “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
Lee Iacocca found that out. I mean, here's a guy who's had an incredibly colorful life. But guess what Lee Iacocca said in his autobiography was the single biggest shock he ever had? It wasn't when he was fired from Ford Motor Company. It was right after he was fired, and all his friends disappeared.
This is what he wrote: "I was hurting pretty bad. I could've used a phone call from someone who said, 'Let's have coffee and talk.' But most of my friends deserted me. It was the greatest shock of my life." Those relationships were apparently based on surface-level affinity of having work in common, and when the stress came, the friendship fractured.
But the friend who sticks closer than a brother is the one with whom we have what we might call deep-level affinity. That's where we don't just share an activity together, but our common ground is our common values.
We have a consensus concerning our value system. We share common core beliefs. When we get together we don't just talk about facts or opinions on safe topics, but we also share emotions. We get to the point where we feel safe enough to talk about our feelings.
The Bible says that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and the word "knit" is a very interesting word-- when we knit things together, we knit together strands made up of the same material. In the case of Jonathan and David, their lives were woven together, they were stitched together on a deep level because they each shared a very deep and a profound love for God. That was the basis for their friendship.
In the same way, and even deeper, Jesus knit people to his soul, and to each other, who liked not only the work he was doing—but the values he preached and lived out in his character: “Jesus called to him those he wanted, and they came to him…” Mark 3:13 NIV

See, here's the point: The depth of a friendship is usually determined by the depth of the common bond that you share.
And if the common bond is an activity of some sort, that's usually going to mean a surface-level affinity. But if the common bond consists of some deeply felt values, then the potential is there for closer bonding. Those are the kinds of relationships we may not have many of, but each one of them is a powerful influence on who we are.
When I review my life I realize that although I have a lot of acquaintances through work and professional associations and organizations that I care about—the deepest and most rewarding friendships I have ever had-- the ones that have literally sustained me through times of incredible stress and pain—are the ones where we share a common love for Jesus Christ. A common love for and commitment to Jesus Christ was and is our common ground. And because of that, we can really share the substance of our souls—our feelings, our fears, our faith, our hopes and dreams. We can encourage beach other at the deepest and most rewarding levels, pray for each other, and give each other Biblical advice and counsel as our hearts beat together for God’s purposes! Those are the relationships that have been rich to me!
What about you? When you think about the friendships that you have, the acquaintances that you have, ask yourself, "What is the common bond that we share?" I mean, if you took away the activity that you do together, would your relationship fall apart? Or does it go deeper than that? Do you have a common bond that goes deeper, that gives you the potential for a deeper relationship?
Second Ingredient: Acceptance
The Bible says in Romans 15:7 “Accept one another then, just as Christ accepted you.” You see, through Jesus Christ, God accepted you and me unconditionally.
He accepted us as is—just like you do when you go into a used car lot and see the sticker on some old wreck that says “as is” and you take it… When God accepted me, even at age 12, I was pretty banged up and dented, and my life was already corroded with some attitudes of bitterness, and self-pity, and fear. But that didn’t matter to God! He LOVED me as is and purchased me through the blood of Jesus Christ! And every time I realize that it’s POWERFUL… It gives me value, and purpose, and high hopes that God would look at ME and accept me that way!… And then, when I began to enter into other relationships with followers of Jesus Christ who accepted me as is—I felt such secuirity and relief because I didn’t have to expend all kinds of energy keeping up some façade to impress others and protect myself…I was able to JUST BE MYSELF; and that was the beginning of some rich relationships!

Author Gary Inrig recounts the story about some parents on the East Coast of the United States who got a telephone call during the Korean War. They had a son who had been overseas during the war, and they hadn't heard from their son for ten months. They get a phone call one day, and it's their son and he's in San Diego and he's on his way home.
The son says, "But, Mom, I just want to let you know that I'm bringing a buddy along with me. I mean, he really got hurt bad in the war. He's only got one eye and one arm and one leg. But I would sure like to have him come live with us." His mother said, "Well, sure, Son. I mean, he sounds like a brave man. I'm sure we can find room for him for a while."
The son said, "No, Mom, you don't understand. I want him to come live with us." His mother said, "Well, okay, you know, we'll try it for six months." The son said, "No, you don't understand. I always want him to stay. He needs us. Mom, he's only got one eye and one arm and one leg. He's really in bad shape. He needs us."
The mother got a little frustrated. She lost patience and she said, "You know, son, you're being just a little unrealistic here. I can understand your being emotional and all since you've been in a war, but let's be realistic. I mean, that boy is going to be a drag on all of us. I mean, do you know how much care a person like that is going to need? Do you know how much effort and time it's going to take? I mean, let's be realistic, son."
And with that the phone clicked dead. The next day the parents got a telegram from the Department of the Navy, saying that their son, the night before, had committed suicide by jumping out of the 12th story window of a hotel in San Diego. A week went past, and the body of their son arrived on the East Coast. When the mom and dad were able to look at the son, they saw that he had one eye and one arm and one leg.
Even with our handicaps and even with our flaws and even with all of our blunders and our insecurities and our immaturity, isn't one of the things we long for most in this life to be accepted just for who we are, to know that somebody isn't accepting us for some reason because they feel like they have to but because they really want to? That’s unconditional acceptance.
But our natural tendency, at least mine, isn't to accept people. I don't know about you, but that's not the natural way that I operate. I'm much more like the people, the religious leaders who lived back in Jesus' day who were very quick to criticize and to judge and to ostracize people.
The bible says in Proverbs 17:17: “A friend loves at all times…” That doesn’t mean we approve of every single thing our friends do, but it does mean that we follow the example of Jesus Christ who loved at all times, even when people messed up, even when his best friends deserted him—Jesus still loved and cherished them personally, and extended grace and mercy and acceptance to them.
Recently I had a good friend drive almost two hours to meet with me. He called me up and said it was an emergency. And when he and I met, he shared how he had really messed up his life. He was broken up, and hurt, and he recognized that he had made some huge mistakes—sins with a capital “S”. What touched me is that he knew he could come and share these things with me. It was safe. He knew that in the context of our friendship he could feel safe and accepted – because in the past I had told him about my mistakes and my sins, my blunders and my mess-ups-- and he had accepted me.
Let’s read this together: “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Look to yourself, lest you too be tempted.” Galatians 6:1 RSV
The key is that we are much abler to accept others if we stay in touch with our own mistakes and our own deficiency and our own blunders. Isn't that true? Isn't it easier to accept another person, to extend a hand of acceptance if, with our other hand, we're receiving acceptance and forgiveness and grace from Jesus Christ for the sins that we've committed? And isn't that the key to accepting other people?
Then after we have this kind of atmosphere of acceptance in our relationship, then that encourages us to go to the next ingredient in this formula for friendship, and that ingredient is

Third Ingredient: Authenticity

One of the first casualties of humankind's rejection of God, and mistrust of His word, was the destruction of the transparency and vulnerability that are essential for genuine friendship. Let’s read this together from the 3rd chapter of Genesis:  “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” Genesis 3:7 NIV
Fig leaves were the outward sign that they were hiding out from each other, out of fear of rejection. Not much has changed since those days.  We too hide behind fig leaves of fear and suspicion, woundedness and overwork, busyness and trying to achieve things... And because we hide behind these things, we sabotage the very capacity God has given us for deep and enduring friendships.

Authenticity is the very opposite of the fig leaves we weave to cover up our fears and woundedness. Authenticity means self-disclosure, and transparency, and vulnerability and being honest with others. Because in rich and rewarding and close relationships, who we really are on the inside is consistent with the way we present ourselves to others.

Earlier I mentioned this friendship between the King's son named Jonathan and the young shepherd by the name of David. Well, when Jonathan met David, do you know what he did? Let’s read it together: “Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.” I Samuel 18:4 NIV He took off his princely robe and his armor and his sword and his belt -- all the things, all the perks that identified him as being royalty. He took them off, in effect to say, "Look, I don't these trappings of my status to come between you and me. I want you to interact with me as your friend, not as your prince. I don't these things to get in the way of you seeing me for who I really am."
Jonathan was willing to be vulnerable and to actually give this royal clothing to David as a symbol of the equality that he wanted in their friendship.
As we talk about this idea of authenticity, we can almost imagine a continuum that runs across the stage. Way over here on this side of the continuum are people who are scared to death about being transparent and authentic with their friends. Like me, maybe you’ve been burned after you let your guard down. Somebody turned that honesty and self-disclosure against you, and you’ve made a vow never to let that happen again. Or maybe you’re afraid that if your friends find out how needy you are they’re going to walk away. If you live on this side of the continuum, you won’t have deep and enduring friendships.
And if you live way over on the other side of the continuum, that will sabotage deep friendships too. People here are TOO self-disclosing: they tell you too much too early in their relationship. They can’t tell you enough about their secrets and their feelings and their emotions and their problems. Their level of sharing is disproportionate to their friends. Their conversations chronically center on their pasts and their hurts, instead of on the present and the future. Their transparency seems to push the other person away rather than drawing them in. It feels like relational voyeurism. And if you’re on the receiving end, it’s very frustrating because it feels like therapy instead of a genuine friendship. That’s a clue dear ones: That person may need a good Christian counselor to help them work through the unprocessed pain to a place of healing. Then you won’t feel frustrated by them dumping on you, and they won’t feel frustrated that you’re not giving them the help they need!
The point is that healthy relationships sort of walk the middle line. They have a transparency that is appropriate and it's equal and it's gradual. It grows out of a relationship where trust and confidentiality have already been established.
It begins when one person in the relationship sends up a transparency trial balloon. You know, they sort of reveal a little bit about themselves, and then they wait and they see what happens. If there's affirmation from the other person and if there is mutual disclosure by the other person, then there is a willingness to continue to go down that path, and the relationship deepens. But at some point in the relationship, somebody has got to float one of those transparency trial balloons, and that can be very scary.
And that’s where Jesus comes in! There’s a wonderful story in the Gospels about the tax collector, Matthew, who surrenders his life and follows Jesus. So he throws a party—and this is what happens:“While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and ‘sinners’ came and ate with him and his disciples.” Matthew 9:10 NIV
You see, in the presence of Jesus Christ, people who would not normally trust each other, people who eyed each other with suspicion, people who competed and kept each other at arms length all started to walk that middle line! In the presence of Jesus Christ, they let their guards down with him, and with each other. They began to send up all kinds of transparency balloons—They begand to share about their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their struggles and their failures. And they began to experience such authentic, genuine relationships that it frightened the uptight religious folks who complained to Matthew!
They were able to float transparency trial balloons because the love and acceptance of Jesus Christ overcame their fears of God and their fears of each other. So let me ask you: Is God nudging you to take a surface relationship with someone a little deeper? Is he asking you to send up a trial balloon of transparency—to introduce a little sharing into your relationship that goes deeper than what the kids are doing, or what you are doing with your friend? Are you in the presence of Jesus and his love and acceptrance for you so that you can invite your friend to go to the next level?
Final Ingredient: Assistance
By assistance I mean that friends build into each other. Friends draw out of each other the best that they can be. Friends help each other reach the full potential that God has put in their life.
See, so many times we go into relationships with a very selfish attitude, don't we? It's almost like the conceited actor that met this woman at a party, and all this conceited actor could talk about was himself. The first fifteen minutes all he talked about was himself and going, "Me, me, me. I, I, I." It went on and on and on until finally, after fifteen minutes, he said, "Well, now, let's talk about you. Have you seen my new movie?"
I mean, that's how some of us come into relationships -- for what we can get out of it. That's our main goal -- when, really, relationships involve mutual need-meeting. Mutual need-meeting.
We need to go into them with the intention and the desire to build into the other person. A great way to do that is to be very vulnerable and honest with the other person and say, "What can I do to be a better friend to you? How can I serve you better as a friend? Because I'm committed to you. What can I do? Give me some ideas."

The Bible says in Romans 12:10 “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Those words devotion and honor remind me of the soldier in Iraq who told his father, a friend of mine, “Dad, I’ve finally found some true friends… and we’re true friends because were devoted to protecting and covering each other on a mission we share, no matter what the cost may be.”

That’s devotion. That’s honor. That’s what it means to assist. And if that’s the kind of friendship you’re looking to give and receive, let me wrap up with two practical suggestions from the Bible on how we can assist each other.

One is by accountability. Let’s read this together: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 NIV Isn’t that true? Friends keep friends on the cutting edge of growth, and the way that they do that is by lovingly monitoring the growth of their friend and by being willing to do what the Bible says in Ephesians 4:15, which is to speak the truth in love -- even if it means confronting the other person. Doing it lovingly.
You know, scientists have studied factories, and what they found is that when workers are aware that they're being watched, their work improves.
And I know as a friend that if I'm very honest with my friend and I tell him the areas of my life where I really feel I need to grow -- maybe it's spending more time with Julie and the kids or maybe it's being more regular in the times that I exercise and work out -- If I'm very honest about those things and I know that the next time that I get together with my friend, he's going to look me in the eye and say, "Phil, how much time have you spent with your kids during the last week?" if I know that's going to come, then that motivates me to stay on the right path.
So accountability can be a very powerful change force for change in a relationship as long as you already have affinity and you already have authenticity and you already have acceptance. Those are prerequisites to accountability. If accountability is invited, it's not imposed. It can be powerful.
And then finally to close with one last way we can build into our friends, and that is through affirmation. D. L. Moody once said, "People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be, not what you nag them to be."
Simon Peter was the friend of Jesus. He was impetuous, unstable, and unreliable when most needed. But when Jesus asked his disciples ‘Who do you say I am?’ and Simon Peter answered,‘You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.’ Jesus replied, ‘Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah…and I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.” Matthew 16:15-18 NIV
Jesus saw beyond the faults in Peter’s character, saw beyond the mistakes he would make, and saw the God given potential for Peter to be a ROCK. And so Jesus affirmed his potential, and called it out, by renaming Simon just Peter, which means literally “the Rock”. Jesus was a cheerleader for Peter—and that’s what you and I need to be for the friends we have. Like Jesus, we need to be the world’s greatest booster for that person.
I have a great friend named Mike. He lives in California and we see each other maybe once a year. We communicate sometimes by e-mail and phone—but when I think of Mike I treasure his friendship because he is one of my greatest boosters. He believes in me more than I believe in myself! Last Saturday, we had breakfast together. Mike was here on a conference with a friend, learning how to teach the Bible better—something Mike loves. He and I and this other person whom I’d never met had a great time sharing because we share a common love—Jesus Christ, and His word, the Bible. But the thing that touched me the most about our time together was how, after checking in with me about my life and the family and ministry at SRC, and in front of this stranger to me, Mike just boosted me and built me up and expressed again how confident he was that God was at work in my life doing a great thing.
Do you have somebody in your life that’s cheering you on? I hope you do—because that’s God’s will for you IN CHRIST! Do you have somebody in a relationship where you are their booster? I mean, you can boil down this idea of affirmation to one question: When is the last time that you told your closest friends how important they are to you? When's the last time that you affirmed them by telling them how valuable they are to you?
Maybe that kind of affirmation is the ingredient that's missing in your relational recipe. There may be something else. Maybe it's accountability. Maybe it's authenticity. Maybe it's accepting the other person. God wants you to go deeper—but you’ve got to start somewhere. So let me close by asking the question:

Who is the friend…
Who sticks closer than a brother?
Who loves at all times?
Who lets nothing stand in the way?
Who helps us reach our God given potential? Answer: JESUS!

How can we be that kind of friend? By being in his presence