Friendship Viruses

Building Authentic Friendships– Jesus style!
Part 3 Sunday October 9 2005

In today’s Gospel, we heard an extraordinary story that Jesus used to illustrate a point about the extent to which the Father will go to extend his friendship to you and me. It’s the story of a King who throws a wedding banquet and invites people whom he wants to come. He even sends messengers to deliver the invitation face to face! But the problem is that the invited guests decide not to come—and in those days, to turn down such an invitation was relational suicide! It was a direct assault on the dignity and goodness of the host.

One person living behind a relational wall flat out refused. Another couple hid behind their overwork, took the invitation from the messengers hand, closed the door in his face and went back to their business. And some people with major anger problems roughed up and even killed the messengers!

These people had a relational virus.

Let’s fast forward 2,000 years to the neighborhood you grew up in. Take the Smith family who live on the corner of Center and Main. Without the neighbors ever knowing it, there was trouble inside their white picket fence. Sam Smith, the dad, was an emotionally distant father. He worked too hard; he drank a little too much. Sally Smith, the mom, was a controller type whose perfectionism drove everybody up the wall.
Sam and Sally bore and raised four kids over a 25-year period of time, spun them out into adulthood, each with his or her own way of coping with the hurt that happened in their home. Suzy, the oldest daughter, for instance, learned how to be a pleaser. She knocked himself out doing everything she could to avoid setting off her father's temper that terrified her. 'Gotta please my dad,' she said.
She had to find a way to meet the demanding expectations of a perfectionistic mom, so she just learned how to be a pleaser. Suzy entered adulthood totally unaware of her own identity, her own feelings, her own preferences. Her goal was simple -- make everybody happy no matter the cost. Suzy, the pleaser.
Joe, the second child, was so frightened by his father and overwhelmed by his domineering mother, he simply gave up early in the game and he sort of turned inward. He didn't say much around the house, didn't get into much trouble, but you always got the impression there was a lot more going on underneath his calm exterior. Joe was a stuffer. He learned at an early age to just push feelings down, and he spun off into adulthood with all those highly charged feelings stored up down south.
Sandy, the third child, became the achiever. She discovered that her dad would smile proudly when she came home with A's on her report card, and even her perfectionistic mother would manage a compliment if she would score higher than anyone else in her class on a particular test. So Sandy launched into adulthood driven like a wild stallion to be the best at whatever she put her hand to doing. Sandy, the achiever.
And then there was Sam Jr.., the youngest. He became a rebel. You see, he learned that he could evoke a dramatic response from his parents by doing wrong things. If he really messed up, his parents would talk to him. They'd interact with him, take him off to a side room and try to figure out why he was doing what he was doing. So he played the rebel role for all it was worth. He headed into adulthood with a chip on his shoulder and a tattoo on his forearm that read 'born to be wild.'
And so goes the story of the Smith family on the corner of Elm and Vine. One suburban family that looked so nice on the outside spins out four young people -- a pleaser, a stuffer, an over-achiever and an angry rebel.
But don’t forget the Jones’ who live next door to the Smiths—they had their own set of problems and ended up putting pressure on their three kids to cope with what was going on behind their picket fence. And the Thomases who lived across the street, and on some nights you could here Mr. and Mrs. Thomas yelling at each other at the top of their lungs—so you know that their three kids learned some coping tricks that they’ll carry in to adulthood.
And then there were the Garcias and the Porters and the Davidsons and the MacArthurs—and just about every family in that neighborhood spun off children who acquired some coping behaviors to survive their upbringing, and a s a result there are several hundred kids—stuffers and pleasers and rebels and achievers and comedians and heroes and scapegoats—and they’re out there doing what?
Trying to build healthy relationships. Trying to develop genuine friendships. Trying to learn how to get along with each other in the workplace. Trying to build relationships that could lead to marriage, and once marriages are built, trying to raise healthy kids. And it’s not working too well because they have some relational viruses.
Do you want to know how God feels about this? Let’s read that verse together at the top of your outline: “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cleave to what is good.” Romans 12:9 NASB. God wants our relationships to be genuine, and rich and rewarding—friendships that bring life and not sickness.

God knows that when you get a virus and do nothing about it—it will just get worse! When you get a virus and fail to treat it you’ll end up inflicting it on someone else. That’s the way it works with relational viruses too! They don’t just go away—and if you ignore it, you’ll end up inflicting that virus on somebody else.

Jesus Christ put it this way: “The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy.” It’[s the enemy of your soul and mine, Satan himself, who wants us to ignore our relational viruses, inflict them upon each other, and make each other relationally sick unto death. He is the one who wants to steal and destroy our capacity and hope for deep friendships, not God. Jesus went on to say, “But I have come that you might have live, and have it to the full!” (Jn 10:10 NIV)-- and that includes friendships that are healthy and virus-free. Where love is genuine and without hypocrisy as it says in Romans 15:9—where friendships are not distorted and diminished by relation al viruses.

So this morning I want to suggest two steps you and I can take to build authentic friendships that will survive relational viruses, friendships that have the capacity to become rich and life-changing and virus-free.

First: Discover and heal your own relational viruses…

I’ve been aware for a long time that other people had viruses. I learned a long time ago that other people were bringing distorted relationships to me—anger, control, manipulation, fear. But over the last few years it’s been humbling to take a look at my own life and discover that I have a few relational viruses too that have snuck into my my sytem and distorted my relationships as well…

And its MY responsibility to deal with them so that my relationships, my friendships, will be without distortion: so that my friendships will be characterized by a love and care that is without hypocrisy, a love and care that is sincere, so that my relationships and friendships are real and genuine.
Until each of us is ready to recognize our own viruses and learn how they're distorting our relationships, take steps to deal with them, until we're willing to do that, we are going to experience a non-stop series of relational frustrations. Some of you are tired of the fact that your marriage doesn't work, your relationship with your kids are strained, things at work don't go well. Everywhere you turn there's friction and dissatisfaction in your relational world.
Let me try something on. It might be because of a virus that you have and a distortion that you're bringing to the relationship. Could it be? Do you know what your virus is? Do you have the humility to realize you have one? Do you realize what it's doing to your friendships and family relationships? Let’s take a look at that passage we read from Galatians this morning:
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted…Each one should test his own actions.” Galatians 6:1, 4a NIV

You can’t get over that relational virus until you are willing to face it. That’s why Paul says “Face it—examine yourself first.” Why should you examine yourself FIRST? Well, Jesus explained in painstaking detail exactly why:
Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5 NIV

Jesus is saying that you and I have no capacity to deal accurately, compassionately, and authentically with somebody else’s relational virus until we deal with our own.
I wonder how many of us are approaching our relationships with such fearful spirits that people around us are just getting weary from dealing with our timidity and insecurity. Any fear viruses bringing fear distortions to the table?
I wonder how many controllers we have among us -- you know, people who give unwanted advice and have answers to everyone else's problems? You know, people around controllers would like to just say, 'Stop! Would you just stop trying to manipulate and control and fix me? Would you just relate to me with love? Would you just try to understand me?'
I wonder how many stuffers we have, where you're relating to somebody and you say, 'They never talk feelings. I mean, I don't know what's going on inside, but I think there's a lot and maybe that person doesn't even know.'
Any rebels, any over-achievers? Why? What drives you to do what you're doing at work or wherever that drive is manifesting itself? What's driving that? Have you ever taken the lid off and peaked inside? Do you know why you act that way? I’ll bet your spouse knows. Your kids probably know. People at work do. Close friends. But do you know?
I don’t know how many of you want to play major-league relational ball. If you’re satisfied playing in the minor leagues, there’s not much more I have to say to you and you can just switch off at this point. But if you want to go deeper, if you want to experience friendships that are deep and rich and rewarding, then let me challenge you with some time-tested Biblical wisdom: Invite someone you know well and trust a lot to a safe place—your kitchen, a lunch, whatever—and say to them “I’d like to know if you see a virus that I’m bringing to this relationship, this situation I’m in, whatever..” Let’s read this verse from Proverbs together:
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Proverbs 27:6 NIV

Just yesterday morning I was talking over coffee with Julie, bringing a whole set of problems and feelings I was having with some situations and relationships…And I asked her what she thought… (Dangerous thing to do! Dangerous to my pride!) And because she is such a faithful friend she said “You know what, I think you have some relational stuff, some unprocessed pain, that’s distorting the way you’re seeing things and the way you’re relating to others…and let me encourage you to do some things…” OUCH! But it was good pain; it was the kind of wound that brings healing and perspective and truth and sincerity and REALITY and HOPE!

Here’s the Good News: If you’re willing to do this kind of thing, you’ll find that most viruses can be healed with the help of a mature friend! And with prayer, counsel from God’s word, the Bible, some reading of helpful books, and putting in some points of accountability and discipline.

One place you can find mature friends who will help you in this way is in a small group. If you don’t have a mature Christian friend that you can trust to help you in this way, one way to develop that kind of friendship is to join a small group and find such a friend and begin to build the trust for that kind of relationship.

Of course, some viruses are a little more complex, and a few trips to a friendly Christian counselor’s office is going to be necessary for us to get healed. And by the way, if you’re facing a more complex virus and need to find a good Christian counselor, who will bring you into the presence of Jesus Christ and his healing power and NOT JUST into the presence of your pain, I know some in this area who have helped me and others to find that deeper healing, and I’d be happy to share their names with you in confidence.

You see, whatever we do, we need to bring our relational viruses to Jesus Christ and ask him to heal them. Let’s read this together:
“And wherever he [Jesus] went– into villages towns or countryside– they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.” Mark 6:56 NIV

Everyone who touched Jesus was healed! Dear ones, you and I need to touch Jesus… we need to touch him in our own moments of wrestling, and prayer and reading the Bible. We need to ouch him with the help of a mature Christian friend or counselor… we need to touch him with the help of a small group of Christ-following friends who will bring us before Jesus with compassionate listening and prayer, when we feel so paralyzed by the relational viruses in our life that we’re not sure we can find that healing!

Hang on to this promise: If you are willing to discover your relational virus, and you are willing to bring it to Jesus and touch him, he will heal you and set you free!

And we will be in a much healthier place to deal with the reality in our relationships. And the reality is this: we will still have to deal with others who have relational viruses.

I’ve noticed that, broadly speaking, people fall into one of two camps in dealing with others who have relational viruses. The first camp is the camp of no relational boundaries. You stand exposed to the anger, fear, manipulation and control of others, and you just cave. You give in to their demands. You shrink in the face of their intimidation. You placate. You try to satisfy the demands of every needy person in your life, crying out for you to fix them or support them financially or counsel them and make them well.
If you live without relational boundaries long enough, one of two things usually happens. First is that you just sort of shrivel up and die inside, and you forget who you are, what your feelings and preferences are. You're just doing other people's agenda, and you lose your personality altogether.
Or you can do the other thing, which is you can become an embittered, rage-filled person, but usually you keep it under the veneer of just going along with everybody. Neither option is a healthy one. Everyone viruses are making you sick, and your relationships are no longer without hypocrisy. They're all inauthentic.
The other option is to say “I’m done living with no relational boundaries. That’s it! I’m going to do the opposite. So you build a wall that nobody can penetrate. And inside this wall you know that you will never be hurt in a relationship again. When somebody tries to intimidate or manipulate you, you lob it right back at them from behind your wall—safe, but no relationship. When your employer says something threatening, you tell him or her from behind your wall “Take this job and shove it.” And you do it with your next job, and your next job, and your next job. Nobody controls you—but you’re not employed much either!

Walls work great! They will enable you to get through life without having your heart wounded. The only problem is that, along with no hurt, there is no relationship. No possibility for getting beyond that wall if you stay inside… And it get’s pretty lonely. So if the no boundary approach doesn’t work and the wall doesn’t serve you well, si there some middle way??

And the answer is YES: It’s the way of Jesus, who loved others genuinely, but maintained flexible and appropriate relational boundaries.

Then: Love others genuinely, with healthy boundaries, just like Jesus!

Jesus had a way of relating to people where he established relationships and loved them genuinely, but didn’t receive their relational viruses. They didn’t wipe him out. He was able to stand in his relationship with the Father, fully grounded in His love and His acceptance and His identity and calling, and deal with others viruses with both truth and compassion. Let me explain with a few examples.

One time, Jesus was at a party and just enjoying it thoroughly. And the people at this party were a little disreputable. A little rough around the edges. But they were there because they wanted to know more about Jesus, and they were looking for something that would fill the hole in their souls. Jesus loved that! He loved their honesty, their lack of pretense, and their honest searching for truth. So let’s pick up the story at that point:
When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and with ‘sinners’?” On hearing this Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have come not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:11-13 NIV

Notice: Jesus didn’t go off to Gethsemane and cry all night because he was mortally wounded by their accusations and intimidations! Instead, Jesus knew that their accusations were unfounded, had enough presence, enough relational skill to erect a healthy relational boundary for a moment, thereby saying, 'You can make whatever false accusations you want to. That's you're problem. I know what I did. It was appropriate. It was well within the will and the parameters of God my Father. You do what you have to do on your side of the boundary; in this side, I know that I am my Father's son and I am in good standing.'

And friends, when you are rooted and grounded in God’s love like Jesus, and when you gain that identity through Jesus Christ, you too can face intimidation, and false accusations, and manipulation and unreasonable demands from others with the same grace and truth that Jesus did.

Let’s take another example: A story Jesus told of a Good Samaritan who came upon a wounded traveler: “[The Good Samaritan] went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’” Luke 10:34-35 NIV

But do you notice what he doesn’t do: He doesn’t take the guy to his own home. He doesn’t cancel his business trip and sit by his bedside—and then feel resentful for a missed camel purchase that he should have made! He did what he has the presence and sense from God that he should do—but he had a Christ-given sense of boundaries about what he was doing and what he wasn’t going to do.

Paul puts it this way in the lesson we read from Galatians: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ…for each one should carry his own load.” Galatians 6:2, 5 NIV You see, the Greek words for “burden” and “load” are different! “Burden” is something too big to bear. It’s being beaten up, and stripped, and left lying by the side of the road like that traveler in the story of the Good Samaritan. The traveler didn’t have the strength, the resources, and the knowledge to help himself. Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ—just like the Good Samaritan.

But the word “load” means “the everyday things we all need to do”. “Loads” are the responsibilities that we all bear—and we need to own them and carry them ourselves.

Jesus had such a healthy sense of boundaries that he was able to distinguish between the burden and the load in the story of the Good Samaritan. And if our identity is rooted and grounded in Christ, we’ll be able to make those distinctions too. We’ll be the mature friends who help others with the burden of relational viruses that are too complex and too heavy for them to work out on their own. We’ll help connect them to a good Christian counselor. But we won’t take the responsibility that they need to exercise for themselves: we won’t make their appointments, drive them there, and pay 100% of their fees! Because that’s their load, their responsibility that they need to exercise to experience the full healing of Jesus. And we won’t take that away from them out of a distorted sense of love and obligation.

You know, Jesus was around needy people all the time. But every once in a while he would do what we read in this story—let’s read it together: “Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, [Jesus] said to his disciples, ‘Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” Mark 6:31 NIV

Jesus knew how to establish a healthy boundary: a time out when he would say “OK, we’re done for now. The fellows and I are going in that boat to take a break and get refreshed. We’ll see you later.” And friends, that’s exactly what we need to do too—we need to gain our strength from times away with Jesus Christ, times for refreshing and renewing of our spirits, souls, minds and bodies. Time away with Jesus so that we can become more like him, from the inside out, and with the same combination of grace and love and truth learn how to erect those flexible, healthy boundaries that Jesus did.

Then we can be out in the world building relationships just like Jesus was—and when there these dramatic distortions and when there’s stuff coming at you that’s just destined to hurt you deeply, then you can call that boundary into being—Just like Jesus! And like him, you too can say “On this side of the boundary, I KNOW that I matter to God.. I KNOW that I am about my Father’s business. And I KNOW that he is not pleased when I become the victim of someone else’s rage or intimidation ploy.” So you deal with the stuff on your side of the boundary, and you expect people to deal with their stuff on their side.
And the promise from God’s word-- the promise if we follow Jesus, and let him heal our relational viruses, and help us deal with the relational viruses in others—the promise is this:
“What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others– ignoring God!– harvests a crop of weeds. But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.
So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up or quit…”(Galatians 6:7b-9 NIV)

Don’t sow to the virus: don’t fertilize it with denial. Sow to the Spirit. And at the right time you’ll harvest a crop of real friendships that are deep and life changing, a foretaste of the relationships we’ll enjoy forever in heaven… It all starts with Jesus and his loving grace: Grace to help you face your own relational viruses, grace to heal them with his loving touch, and grace to help you learn the kind of flexible and healthy boundaries he used in relating to others…